Suze Simon's Guide To Being A Mediator
by Bunnylass
Summary: Oneshot. I'm Susannah 'Suze' Simon. And this is my fool-proof guide to being a kick-ass Mediator!


**_Disclaimer:_** The Mediator and all it's character's belong to Meg Cabot.

**_Rating:_** T

**_A/N:_** I've been trying to write Chapter 4 of - The First Steps to Friendship, and its being a pain. But this has been floating around in my mind for some time. I hope you like it. It's my strange attempt at humor, although I'm not sure how funny it really is. If you didn't already know, I have a weird, dry sense of humor.

Anyway I hope you like it...

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**Suze Simon's Guide to Mediating...**

Welcome, my name is Susannah Simon, but you can call me Suze.

This is my guide to Mediating based on my own experiences. Some may relate easily to you. Others...probably not. But read it anyway.

Good luck...

**1. ****In some cases punch first, ask questions later works best when dealing with ghosts.**

(_Besides It'll help you hone your punching technique. And they say practice makes perfect_.)

**2. Always try to keep a look out for wrathful ghosts trying to kill their ex-boyfriends. For example, by making a large piece of your school rafter try and crush his skull. You never know when your going to have to tackle him out of the way.**

(_It's also a nice sneaky way to be able to check out if it's padding underneath that shirt, or pure muscle. It was muscle btw, in case you were wondering._..)

**3. Never tell materialistic-snotty-teenage-drama-queen ghosts that their never going to be alive again. It never goes down well.**

(_Not if you don't want the head of your school's founder screeching after you, trying to kill you. Not everyone has a 19th century hot ghost willing to help them out of said crisis_.)

**4.** **If a wrathful spirit tries to kill your future prom date and nice old fellow Mediator priest. Use your trump card. An exorcism. Just try not to get killed at the same time.**

(_And look at it this way, It's something else to put on your college applications, right alongside being a Mediator. You never know what ghosts could be haunting the girls dorms_.)

**5. ****Do try to be as diplomatic and compassionate as possible should a distraught spirit turn up looking for your help.**

(_Even if it is in the middle of the night and she is screaming like a banshee, waking you from a pleasant dream about your ex-future prom date, Bryce Martinson_.)

**6. ****19TH Century ghosts have no sense of humor. Unless their laughing at you that is.**

(_So don't even attempt to use your sparkling wit and humor, you'll be wasting a perfectly good talent_.)

**7.** **Try to be patient and understanding if your awoken for the second time, by a ghost who doesn't know how to talk you awake.**

(_Especially if they happen to be the deceased mother of your new step-brothers. It's just plain awkward_.)

**8.** **If you ignored my warning about being nice to sad and upset ghosts and are feeling guilty, then redeem yourself by helping another ghost. For example, helping a little boy by taking care of his cat now he's no longer alive to do so.**

(_It's double bubble. Your helping the kid and giving a poor defenceless animal a home. Even if that cat is called Spike, has half an ear missing and is more like a Tasmanian devil. You get the warm fuzzies twice then._

_Plus extra bonus, it's tortue to your horrible step-brother who has cat allergies_.)

**9.** **Never visit a psychic. Ever.**

(_Unless you want your new friends to find out how much of a freak you are and go and spoil all the hard work you've done for years trying to keep your 'gift' a secret_.)

**10. ****If a ghost gives you a cryptic message, don't agree with them and go along with it. Look deeper into it. Trust me.**

(_Because as fun as it is making out with the second hottest guy in Carmel, next to Bryce Martinson. It is not fun getting caught up in a vampire conspiracy because you mis-read the message, that you thought was for his dad._

_Especially if hot guy's uncle is the one bumping people off and hot guy and yourself are the next on the list._

_And it's even worse if you happen to ruin your favourite Betsy Johnson mini-skirt while trying to fight off said uncle mass murderer_.)

**11.** **Do not underestimate the range of your Mediator powers.**

(_While thinking of a certain 19th century ghost and how helpful his presence would be and having him appear is good. It is not, should you happen to be thinking about how your dad is, while your in the shower. Unless you wish to die of embarrassment and mortification._

_I dislike being a mediator. I don't dislike life. I would like to go to my Senior Prom_.)

**12.** **Sometimes you have to trust ghosts.**

(_If hot 19th century ghost roomie says the spirits of the people second hottest guy in Carmel's uncle killed, are going to exact revenge on said uncle without killing him; trust hot ghost._

_I don't think you want to go up against all those pissed ghosts...you just won't win_.)

**13.** **Ghosts are pretty much everywhere, so don't try to look too hard.**

(_A nice afternoon down the beach? Great..._

_Until you see four dead high schools' in evening get up, trying to lift a four pack of Bud. Bang! There goes your afternoon_.)

**14. ****Try to be-friend someone, who, for example, could have four murderous 'Angels' after him.**

(_Even if it does mare your reputation at school. And it saves a lot of earache from hot ghost roommate._

_There could be perks though, like he could have an excellent toned bod, from lifting big heavy pencils_...)

**15.** **Life guards are there for a reason. Use them.**

(_There's no use going all Baywatch, trying to save hot bodied geek from getting killed in the freezing cold ocean, by some four 'Angels'._

_Nearly drowning is just not good for your voice. But getting kissed - Oh fine - having mouth to mouth by yummy life guard is_.)

**16.** **Accept it now. Teenage ghosts just have no imagination.**

(_For some reason they always go with trying to drop things on their victims heads._

_I mean how original is that? Rhetorical question, don't answer that_.)

**17.** **Some ghosts have attitude problems.**

(_You can hardly blame them. But there is only so much crap I'll take from a bunch of teenage ghosts, that everyone claims were 'Angels'._

_I wouldn't call, heartless and callous teenagers 'Angels'_.)

**18. DO NOT let angry ghosts try to kill their intended target.**

(_It doesn't matter how angry you are at said target, for nearly killing you and your family in a car accident._

_The resulting backlash from hot 19th century ghosts hurt. Really._

_And so does the broken ribs you manage to receive when your conscience kicks in and you try to stop them. Getting beaten up by two snot nosed princess' in evening gowns is unfair._

_And it's not exactly flattering having to wear a one piece to the beach for a while because the bruising is too ugly_.)

**19. ****Some fellow Mediator's suck. Accept it now, before you get disappointed in the future.**

(_Paul Slater, nuff said_...)

**20. ****Be ready for ghosts to suddenly pop up - threatening to kill you - because your step-dad found their victims body in the backyard.**

(_She's annoyed and she means business._

_On the plus...it is quite nice to have her victim - who happens to be hot roommate - watch over you all night because you finally tell him who threatened you, when you nearly attack him with a pick...and an axe...and a hammer...and so on_...)

**21. ****If you suddenly decide to be brave and go and confront certain ghostly murderers. Be prepared to have them come to you first.**

(_It is a wonderful stress reliever though, to smash a certain whiny, brats head against your porch roof, over and over again. I find the sound of smashed, broken cartilage quite therapeutic._

_But the headache and bruise you receive from - literally - being tossed over your house into hot roommate's shallow grave by whiny brats lover, is not very nice. Not if the bruise is the size of your fist, and it feels like someones drilling in your head. Not to mention the dizziness that comes with a concussion...ouch_.)

**22. Do not ask an eight-year old Mediator to exorcise you. Come on people, use your brain...get a priest to do it. Its a lot cleaner.**

(_Do you know how long it takes to scrub chicken blood out of expensive hotel bathroom floors? Ages..._

_And it's not fun on your knees either. I wanted to bring Jesse back, not cause myself an injury, sheesh_.)

**23. Should the Priest actually condone exorcising you, remember to have a second way to escape the Shadowland.**

(_Getting your rope cut that was connecting you too your living body - thus - practically killing you is not clever. Again, not everyone will have an eight year old Mediator willing to come up and get you._

_Nor is it clever boasting your chummy with the Gladiator dude who was guarding the Shadowland, when you can't find the Russell Crowe wannabe._

_Not to mention pretty much broadcasting to the hot dead guy your rescueing, that your pretty much in love with him_...)

**24. ****I stand by number 19 - Do not trust fellow hot Mediator guy when he tells you to 'go into the light'.**

(_FYI, I was about two minutes from being dead and Paul cracking jokes...yeah...not so funny._

_But it was when my hot dead roommate punched him in the mouth. Paul was such a baby about the whole thing_.)

**25. You have full right to go crazy on hottie roommate's ex - girlfriends who tried to kill you and who like to beat the crap out of poor, defenceless Mediator mentor Priests. Fair is fair.**

(_It's one fight I was damn proud of. I kicked ass! Like majorly._

_That whiny brat was going down! Plus, it was so much fun to watch hottie dead roommate getting to pretty much kill his murderer. He was mad!_)

**26_._** **I highly recommend saving a ghost who didn't want to move on.**

(_Because the resulting earth shattering kiss, is something that will forever be carved onto my soul. I'm so sure the earth moved_...)

**27. ****Again, I stand by number 13 - Ghosts turn up when you least want them too. Like for dinner, tailing your older step-brother's friend around. Resulting in you again nearly getting killed because the ghost wants to kill the guy innocently giving you a lift home.**

(_If you haven't figured it out yet. Nearly getting killed unfortunately comes with the job. It's right there, in very, very small print, at the bottom of the contract Fate signed before you were born_.)

**28. ****If fellow Mediator's - who are warm for your form - try feeding you a line of bull. Run...very fast, and very far.**

(_Again - if you haven't noticed by now - being a Mediator sucks your normal life away. Why stick around to hear some hot guy tell you about time travel and soul transferrence and shifting, etc. Yeesh, talk about throwing away the last shred of sanity you have left!_)

**29. ****If a very hot 19th century ghost, wants to beat the crap out of hot arrogant Mediator guy, don't try to get in the way.**

(_It's flattering their fighting over you...but not when they break your mothers china cabinet._

_I could already hear the storm that was sure to come when she discovered it.)_

**30. ****Become alarmed when hot Mediator guys, suddenly decide to be nice and travel back in time to stop the death of your dead boyfriend.**

(_Yes Paul, we all know why you wanted to do save him. Very chivalrous of you. Really._

_One day maybe you'll learn, you can't always get what you want_...)

**31. Travelling back in time to stop hot Mediator guy from saving your dead boyfriend is not a plan. And if you haven't learnt yet, plan A never works. These things always go wrong. And think of the space time continuum people.**

(_Like your dead boyfriend killing his murderer first. And then a fire happening, then you getting saved by said dead boyfriend. Then accidentally 'shifting' back to the present, still holding on to said boyfriend very tightly, thus bringing his past body, to the present_.)

**32. ****Sitting by your dead boyfriends physical body in the hospital - sobbing your heart out - is a real date killer.**

(_Especially when all you want is your daddy and your dead spectral boyfriend turns up in stead._

_Though it is a bonus when he accidentally touches his physical body and suddenly miraculously becomes alive, again_.)

**33. ****Never Fall In-Love With A Ghost!**

(_Unless your lucky enough to know your going to go through something similar to numbers 31 and 32._

_And that he is actually destined to be your one true love for all of time!_

_In that case, go for it. I wish you luck.)_

This concludes my guide to being a kick-ass Mediator. Thank you for reading and I hope you were able to get something from it. And remember, being a Mediator sucks sometimes. But you were born with it, get over it already.

Buh-bye!

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**_A/N 2:_** Thanks for reading, please review :D Peace out!


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